There are plenty of folks out there who have less-than-ideal relationships with their spouse’s mom. And I have to imagine that there have been times when they’ve frustratedly asked themselves “Why is my mother-in-law like this?”

TikTok creator Janelle (@heyjanellemarie) posts a lot of content about the relationship women (and their husbands) have with mother-in-laws. Specifically, toxic mother-in-laws. And during a podcast interview, she was asked an interesting question: “What’s the biggest trend you see in why women end up being the mother-in-law with the strained relationship?”

She says it initially stumped her, because it ultimately comes down to a lot of factors. But upon reflection she’s established four things that seem to serve as “risk groups” with a caveat that she’s “a person on the internet; I’m not talking to you directly.”

“If we’re trying to identify patterns that perhaps make a person more likely to possess character traits or have gaps that make them find themselves in a situation where they don’t have a good relationship with their son and daughter-in-law,” she explains, “[this] is what I’ve seen and that’s based on thousands of DMs.”

So what are the risk factors of becoming a monster-in-law? Is your mother-in-law one of them? Your mother? Are you at risk?

Let’s learn more…

Women who have an unfulfilling relationship with their own partner

This includes, she says, women who are single.

“Mine was a divorced mom who never had a new relationship,” one commenter confirmed. “She saw my husband as her partner and not her son.”

And indeed, the other commenters who saw themselves in this bullet point highlighted the fact that their mother-in-laws tended to rely on their sons for emotional support and see a daughter-in-law as a challenge to their role of “#1 Woman” in their adult sons’ lives.

Women who gossip a lot

Specifically, says Janelle, women who find joy in gossiping, especially if they’re gossiping about people they actually love and enjoy spending time with.

“Agree with the gossip 100%,” agrees a commenter. “It can make you feel like you’re in her circle of trust- but then remember if she does this with you, she does it about you.”

Women with only sons

To which Janelle simply elaborates by saying, “Sorry.”

Commenters were interested in this one. Many women identified themselves as moms of boys and emphasized the fact that they were actively trying to work to become women who would be good mother-in-laws. Others asked for clarification, agreed enthusiastically, or added interesting nuance to the statement.

“I’d also say ‘women who favor their sons over their daughters,’” one suggested. “Especially when they tell their daughters that the son is their favorite (this is my MIL).”

(Sidebar: good God!)

“Thoughts on mothers that have their sons at a young age? 22 or younger?” asked another. “I feel like this has an effect (in my experience lol).”

“I feel like … for some of them it turns into a deep rooted insecurity when they go off & make their own family,” offers a third. “Because daughters tend to stick close to their moms & sons are more distant.”

Insecure/Jealous women

Janelle attributes this to unaddressed trauma that ultimately leads women to become “a very defensive, very insecure, very jealous individual.”

So, the real question is: how many of these does your mother-in-law tick off — and how are things?