It’s that time of the year, when we all see so! much! of our families! And this includes everyone’s favorite character: the one great aunt who will lose it if your kid doesn’t respond to her passing the butter with a loud and immediate “thank you” (that’s a universal experience, right?).

We all want to raise polite kids, but not every toddler is quick to use their manners. In advance preparation of seeing Great Aunt Linda (or whoever), you probably are tempted to remind your kid at every instance to say “please” or “thank you.” But, educator Beck Goodman says that might not be the most effective method.

“If you’re about to get together with a bunch of family that have high expectations, stop reminding your kids to say please and thank you,” Goodman said in a video posted on her Instagram, @growwithbeck.

“Now I am big on manners, so I still want them to say please and thank you, but I don’t want you to be reminding them to do it,” she explained.

Is it a bit counterintuitive? Maybe, but hear her out.

“When they say it naturally, just off the cuff, make a big deal about it, celebrate it. ‘That was awesome. Oh my goodness. Thank you so much for thanking me. That made me feel really appreciated. Thank you so much for that,’” Goodman explained.

“And you know what, when you start making a big deal of when they do do it, and you stop making a big deal of when they don’t, you’re gonna see that on their own, they’re going to be saying please and thank you so much more,” she said.

There’s a difference between reminding your kid to do something and encouraging them, and Goodman urges parents to encouraging manners in their kids with positive feedback.

Some users were all for Goodman’s method. One commented, “Love this! We work with kiddos who have selective mutism and we’re all about labelled praise 🙌🏽”

“It was always so humiliating for my parents to do this to me. They would never give me a chance to say it on my own before they would shame me by having to ‘remind’ me. I will never be the kind of parent that makes my kids feel like they’re bad for not showing appreciation in the correct way,” said another.

However, some pointed out the manners do not come easily for every kid.

“I encouraged and coached my daughter for — well, she’s eighteen, now — a long time? To thank people? I modeled how to say it, I said it for us, I reminded her to say it, I did everything. She still finds it SO uncomfortable to say. Some kids just feel weird saying thank you I was one of them. I don’t know why it is, linked to autism possibly, but I just wanted to mention this for anyone else who struggles at length with getting their children to exhibit graciousness and gratitude,” one user added.

“Please” and “thank you” might not be in the cards for everyone this year, but give Goodman’s method a try before you see Aunt Linda, just in case.